this sweet life

Direction. As this semester has come to a close, I have found myself spiraling with seemingly little direction. I know that higher education is the right place for me to be; I've never been so passionate or certain of anything in my life. I love working with students, I believe in the power and importance of education, I have faith in the potential of my students and that higher education is the key that will unlock many doors for their futures. I'm frustrated with the current state of higher ed, especially with students' issues as they navigate through high school and try to find their way to college somewhere out there. I'm positive that I can make a difference in their lives and in the system... if I can just figure out HOW.

To be negative for just a few seconds- I haven't had an active relationship with my advisor, I haven't learned as much at my current assistantship as I'd hoped, I don't have a job for next year since my GA position is being terminated from the budget and I wasn't selected for a position at Loyola, I wasn't selected for the graduate research team that I had been praying for, and I'm left feeling very disheartened and discouraged about it all. OK, negativity- OFF.

We've done a lot of reflection this year in many of my classes, and it had only strengthened my assurance that this is my vocation, my calling- I've always wanted to make a difference, but never had the language to pinpoint how or where I was needed. Higher education is the fit I've been looking for. My frustration stems from the fact that I don't feel like anyone else is noticing how passionate I am about this, and that I can't figure out what MORE I need to be doing to move forward. I feel helpless. I feel like a little kid running around, tugging on adults' pantlegs at a party to show them my coloring book, but they keep ignoring me.

In my heart I know that something will work out. I have been preparing for this stage in my life since my first day of kindergarten, and I'm pretty good at defining goals to work towards- and then achieving (surpassing even?) those goals. Right now I just can't visualize what that will look like when I'm finally there, and I wish I had some help along the way.

It was Mother's Day this past weekend, and we were in Indianapolis to see my step-sister graduate from IUPUI. Several things about that day stood out to me- first, I was SO proud of Meg to have put in so much effort and graduated from college. There were days when she thought she could never make it, and she did it! Also, IUPUI serves many non-traditional students, the kind of students I would love to work with someday. They might have to work harder than I've ever experienced just to pass a basic course, and a college degree is an amazing accomplishment to be celebrated. The ceremony touched me. On top of that, focusing on Meg made it so much easier to not get bogged down and spend the day missing my mom. I don't even know if I miss "her" anymore, or just miss everything that I know we would have together by now. I've missed her in my life, and I know that I've missed out on a lot since she died.... but I think she'd be proud that I'm a fighter and that I don't let things keep me down for long.

That said, I'm deciding to be a fighter and figure it out for myself yet again. I wrote another professor to inquire about individual research opportunities, I emailed 1st/2nd year advising to see about working with incoming freshmen at Loyola next fall, and I contacted a professor who "gets me" to schedule an advising meeting about my future plans. I'll make it work, Mom, just like you would want me to do.

In a book I recently started reading, "Leading with Soul: An Uncommon Journey of Spirit" by Lee Bolman and Terrence Deal (who ironically also wrote the textbook for the Organization and Governance class I just finished), I keep finding these wonderful quotes from spiritual leaders across history and the world. The book is structured like a story, a parable, about a disheartened businessman who looks to a sage to rediscover himself, to find his soul. The authors borrow from many faith traditions, showing how all religions can be seen as merely different paths to spirituality, to reconnecting with our souls. A quote that stuck with me today, though not from a famous spiritual icon.......

"Your quest as a leader is 'a journey to find the treasure of your true self, and then [to return] home to give your gift to help transform the kingdom -- and in the process your own life. The quest itself is replete with dangers and pitfalls, but it offers great rewards: the capacity to be successful in the world, knowledge of the mysteries of the human soul, the opportunity to find your unique gifts in the world, and to live in loving community with other people'" (c. pearson, 1991 as qtd. in Bolman & Deal, 1995, p. 102).

That's what I'm setting out to do.