inspirations from a friend....

"The brick walls are there for a reason. They're not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something."

My friend Michelle sent this quote to me. She probably knows how I'm feeling these days better than anyone, since she was almost in my same shoes last year at this time. If I've realized anything, it's how incredible the people and support systems in my life are. The brick walls that keep arising have been great reminders to me, reinforcements that I am following my heart and being true to my strengths and potential. She even lent me her old "away message" as inspiration:

Someday everything will make perfect sense... For now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself everything happens for a reason.

So, this is my plan. I've always been good at laughing, so these days I'm working on keeping things light and focusing on the joy. My smile is one of the ways that I motivate others and improve my own mood. I know that I have a goal (a future in higher education where I can inspire students, help them improve their futures, and also work to improve the system of higher ed in this country), and I know that I have the capacity to make that goal a reality.

This weekend, Mark and I are heading to Detroit for his friend's wedding. I'm really looking forward to this trip- I love special occasions with Mark, and I'm excited to get dressed up and dance with him, too! Hopefully there will be some great pictures to share next week. Today, I'm working from home (phone calls, emails, and presentation materials are portable!), cleaning, trying to organize and pack, AND waiting for our new glass table-top and NEW MATTRESS to be delivered! It certainly feels adult to be so excited about these purchases, but having a functioning table and a good night's sleep will really improve our day to day lives =)

Now, back to working on the apartment- getting it ready for our deliveries, and some great friends coming to visit next weekend and through the summer!

settling into summer...

Classes have ended, students have graduated, grades have been posted.... (I lost my 4.0 by 0.055! sad day....) and I'm finally realizing that it is my first real summer in Chicago. This is my third summer here, but the last two I have spent working several part-time jobs which often kept me busy Friday through Sunday. I've missed all of the wonderful free festivals and celebrations that characterize summer in this city.

Mark and I are looking forward to hosting many of our friends this sunny season- we have planned at least 4 weekends of friends and family visiting so far, and are anticipating more! We LOVE summers in Chicago, and can't wait to share it with our loved ones.

Reflecting and writing about my plans, dreams, goals, and bumps in the road has helped me sleep easier and feel calmer about the perspective that I have on my life. It's easy to get caught up and feel overwhelmed by all of the unanswered questions and frustrations that life brings your way, and I was certainly getting bogged down by everything. I know that I have amazing people in my life who support me no matter what. I have a plan. I have a dream. I am passionate about giving my students the best possible experience in college that they can have- and beyond that, I am passionate about fixing the system so that more students can graduate and feel confident that they are on the best path for a successful future.

I'll keep updating and sorting through all of this. For now- roasted chicken, risotto, and a nice glass of wine. xoxo

Direction. As this semester has come to a close, I have found myself spiraling with seemingly little direction. I know that higher education is the right place for me to be; I've never been so passionate or certain of anything in my life. I love working with students, I believe in the power and importance of education, I have faith in the potential of my students and that higher education is the key that will unlock many doors for their futures. I'm frustrated with the current state of higher ed, especially with students' issues as they navigate through high school and try to find their way to college somewhere out there. I'm positive that I can make a difference in their lives and in the system... if I can just figure out HOW.

To be negative for just a few seconds- I haven't had an active relationship with my advisor, I haven't learned as much at my current assistantship as I'd hoped, I don't have a job for next year since my GA position is being terminated from the budget and I wasn't selected for a position at Loyola, I wasn't selected for the graduate research team that I had been praying for, and I'm left feeling very disheartened and discouraged about it all. OK, negativity- OFF.

We've done a lot of reflection this year in many of my classes, and it had only strengthened my assurance that this is my vocation, my calling- I've always wanted to make a difference, but never had the language to pinpoint how or where I was needed. Higher education is the fit I've been looking for. My frustration stems from the fact that I don't feel like anyone else is noticing how passionate I am about this, and that I can't figure out what MORE I need to be doing to move forward. I feel helpless. I feel like a little kid running around, tugging on adults' pantlegs at a party to show them my coloring book, but they keep ignoring me.

In my heart I know that something will work out. I have been preparing for this stage in my life since my first day of kindergarten, and I'm pretty good at defining goals to work towards- and then achieving (surpassing even?) those goals. Right now I just can't visualize what that will look like when I'm finally there, and I wish I had some help along the way.

It was Mother's Day this past weekend, and we were in Indianapolis to see my step-sister graduate from IUPUI. Several things about that day stood out to me- first, I was SO proud of Meg to have put in so much effort and graduated from college. There were days when she thought she could never make it, and she did it! Also, IUPUI serves many non-traditional students, the kind of students I would love to work with someday. They might have to work harder than I've ever experienced just to pass a basic course, and a college degree is an amazing accomplishment to be celebrated. The ceremony touched me. On top of that, focusing on Meg made it so much easier to not get bogged down and spend the day missing my mom. I don't even know if I miss "her" anymore, or just miss everything that I know we would have together by now. I've missed her in my life, and I know that I've missed out on a lot since she died.... but I think she'd be proud that I'm a fighter and that I don't let things keep me down for long.

That said, I'm deciding to be a fighter and figure it out for myself yet again. I wrote another professor to inquire about individual research opportunities, I emailed 1st/2nd year advising to see about working with incoming freshmen at Loyola next fall, and I contacted a professor who "gets me" to schedule an advising meeting about my future plans. I'll make it work, Mom, just like you would want me to do.

In a book I recently started reading, "Leading with Soul: An Uncommon Journey of Spirit" by Lee Bolman and Terrence Deal (who ironically also wrote the textbook for the Organization and Governance class I just finished), I keep finding these wonderful quotes from spiritual leaders across history and the world. The book is structured like a story, a parable, about a disheartened businessman who looks to a sage to rediscover himself, to find his soul. The authors borrow from many faith traditions, showing how all religions can be seen as merely different paths to spirituality, to reconnecting with our souls. A quote that stuck with me today, though not from a famous spiritual icon.......

"Your quest as a leader is 'a journey to find the treasure of your true self, and then [to return] home to give your gift to help transform the kingdom -- and in the process your own life. The quest itself is replete with dangers and pitfalls, but it offers great rewards: the capacity to be successful in the world, knowledge of the mysteries of the human soul, the opportunity to find your unique gifts in the world, and to live in loving community with other people'" (c. pearson, 1991 as qtd. in Bolman & Deal, 1995, p. 102).

That's what I'm setting out to do.

here we go!

While this isn't my first foray into the world of online writing (myspace died a quick and painless death, and livejournal never caught on as I was still focused on college...), I hope that this time I will see it through and make it a habit. I hope this will provide another way to keep in touch with my family and friends, keep them "in the loop"- since we live all over the world.

Last week, I completed my second semester of graduate school at Loyola University Chicago. I'm studying Student Affairs Administration in Higher Education. This will allow me to work in many aspects of student services at colleges and universities across the country. I want to work to start fixing some of the major issues with our system of education. It makes me personally upset when I hear about students who are not given the consideration or quality services that they deserve, as well as when I hear about all the trouble many students have even getting to college. A college education is no longer an option in this country- our information based workforce demands it. I hope to spend my career working to extend quality educational opportunities to more students, and helping them succeed during and after their time in higher ed.

Mark and I moved to the Gold Coast neighborhood in February, and we just LOVE our building. The amenities are amazing, the staff is friendly, and the location can't be beat. (if you're looking for a great place to live downtown Chicago, let us know!) He is an amazing sounding board in my life- he keeps me motivated, supported, and believes in me more than I can even imagine. His new job is going really well, and we're SO thankful that we have been able to establish ourselves together here in Chicago.

We just got home from my sister Meg's college graduation from IUPUI. It was a rushed weekend, but I got to see Shannon, meet Meg's boyfriend, see the family, have Mother's Day brunch, and celebrate with Meg. Now we're home trying to recoup, organize the apartment, and get ready for summer!

May 22nd we have a wedding in Detroit, my Orientation activities at Illinois Tech begin June 16th, and we have another wedding July 4th weekend in Cincinnati! On top of that, family and friends will be visiting throughout the summer- hoping to enjoy the beach, shopping, and our rooftop deck!

There's a quick update on life. Let me know how life is with you =)

peace.